So a few weeks I finally had a gastric sleeve after waiting almost 5 years for it. I finally got my surgery date and managed to lose 5 stone dieting. 

You hear all these stories of how weight loss surgery leads to dramatic weight loss and you see all these incredible body transformations but that couldn't be further from reality. 

It's been 8 weeks since the operation and I've lost 4 stone so far, there's still a long long way to go. Now what I wasn't prepared for was all the lifestyle changes, yes I knew I'd be eating a lot less cause me stomach is about 90% smaller than it used to be. 

There's a lot of things I wasn't expecting though like being on vitamins and calcium tablets for life oh and a vitamin injection every 3 months. Now that's the medical side dealt with and it's the easier part. But what I didn't know was how you can't eat and drink at the same time and have to wait 30 minutes inbeteen eating and drinking and dumping syndrome which is one of the worse feelings ever it's happened to me a couple of times and I was sick, sweating and felt really dizzy and it lasted for an hour. 

Weight loss surgery is not a quick fix and a lot of people think it's easy and you just naturally lose lots of weight quickly which isn't true at all. The person has to put in an awful lot of work for the surgery to be successful and for some people it isn't always successful. It's simply a tool you still have to diet a lot, make lifestyle changes for life, eat lots of protein and try manage all the psychological hunger. 

I'm grateful for the surgery and I know it's gonna help me lead a healthier life I just wasn't prepared for all the changes. 

Why is dating so difficult? I'll be honest I'm at a stage in my life where I've never felt so lonely before. Dating has been off the cards for a long time, we're talking years not months. 

First of all comes your dating problem and if you've read my blog before you'll know talking about myself is my forte. The easiest part of a dating profile is your photos yet for me it's the hardest I can't bring myself to even upload a pic of myself instead I rely on these silly AI character selfies of me. 

When I do get a match I'm always honest and I'll send them an actual selfie of me and then I await for them for open it and block me (it's happens quite often). I've chatted to quite a few girls and it tends to go really well but as soon as I feel it might go to the next step of going on a rate I run for the hills. I always think when they see me in real life they'll just wanna puke and I don't want to waste their time. So what do I do I always go a ruin it cause the thought of meeting them fill me with dread cause I know they'll feel let down once they see the state of me. 

I can't win I'm tired of being alone and longing for a bit of company I've took the first step and started online dating but can't bring myself to go through with it any further and commit to a date. 

I wish I could go back to my teenage years where I was carefree and wouldn't think twice about meeting a girl, I was up for it straight away. It's that bad even if I really enjoy talking to someone theres no way I could bring myself to asking them out on a date first. 

I'm at a cross roads I want to date but when the opportunity comes along I just can't do it. I try telling myself well they've seen a selfie of me and they still talk to me so they must be interested I say that to try give myself a bit of confidence but it doesn't last long. 

I'm hoping with more weight loss I'll finally take the plunge and go on a date but this losing weight game is a long process no matter how hard I try. 

Being overweight I often experience chafing  in between my thighs. Anyone who has experienced chafing  knows only too well the discomfort and pain is causes not the mention it can give off a horrible smell. In the past I’ve tried a few things mainly chafing  talc but this only soothes the chafing . My mom bought me something to treat it but I wasn’t very optimistic as nothing has really worked before. I was presented with a tiny mental tin named Chub Rub. Initially I wasn’t impressed and assumed it was some kind of joke at my expense. She reassured me but for a tiny tin costing £8 I couldn’t see it lasting very long. 

How wrong could I have been? I only use a tiny bit on the tip of my finger and its more than enough on my chafing. To my surprise it actually works and its the best thing I’ve used for chafing . Since using it I’m chafing very little and unlike the talcs it’s helped prevent chafing . 

Recently I lost my Uncle John in a car accident. Dealing with death is incredibly difficult even more so when it comes suddenly and unexpectedly. I’ve never lost anyone like this before, in the past I’ve lost loved ones but they have been ill so their passing was expected which made it a little bit easier plus they had a long life whereas my Uncle was only in his thirties. 

I’ve struggled so much since he passed away and I’ve felt guilty because what I struggled with the most was witnessing the pain it’s putting my grandparents through. It wasn’t until the funeral that I felt ready to grieve. Writing this short post has helped me I don’t want to mention him around anyone as I don’t want to upset them. Anyway, I don’t want anymore negative talk I want to remember Uncle John and the good times we had so here we go…

This time 20 years ago we were on holiday together, I was only seven and you were a teen. Far from ideal for you yet always made time for me and spent a lot of the holiday with me which goes to show how selfless you were. You’d play in the arcades and spend all your tickets on model areoplanes and we would make them together and fly them outside (we would of had more luck with paper planes). As we grow older we become busier with our own lives and sadly saw each other less but this never meant I didn’t think about you often. This just makes the memories we made even more special, only you could get me up on a dancefloor and make me dance. That’s a memory I’ll remember forever. I will always remember Uncle John for his cheeky smile, loveable nature and would do anything to protect his family.

Life is full of regrets, I regret not spending more time with and making more effort on the occasions I did see him. But I can’t keep tbinking like that I need to focus on the good times. All I want to say is make the most of your time with your loved ones whilst they’re still here. Life is for liivng, pick up the phone give them a ring or a text and meet up as often as possible. Don’t put it off cause there’s no guarantee any of us will be here tomorrow. 

Grief is weird there's no other way I can describe it, one minute you're coping the next you're breaking down. They say everyone deals with grief in different ways and even if we don't accept or understand those ways it's important we pull together to support one another. 

RIP Uncle John xx

What do you want to be when you grow up? Ask me that at 6 years old and I'd answer in a heartbeat. Fast forward and I never would have imagined for one second that at 25 I'd still have no idea of what I really want to do in life. Life doesn't always go to plan, at 25 I thought I'd be living in my own home, have a career and even children. Reality check and I have none of those. I'm happy with the direction my life is going though, I guess life is a bit of a race. All you need to do is go on social media and instantly you'll see everyone competing with one another. Everyone is going at difference paces

If I've learnt anything this year, it's that's it's okay to be 25 and still not have achieved everything you.

I've always found it difficult to open up and tell people my thoughts and whenever I have found the courage to do so it hasn't actually helped my mental health, it's made it worse. The reason being very few people understand and 90% of the time they all respond with the class one liner "You've got so much to be live for". It has to be one of the most frustrating lines any of us with mental health have had to hear time and time again.

I truly believe you cannot understand how someone with mental health issues is feeling unless you've got similar experience yourself. Once I went to see a counseller, I was 14 and sitting across me was an elderly gentleman who I just couldn't relate to all. It was like being in the room with your grandad and told to just blurt out all your deep thoughts. I don't want the support from 'professionals' who have read textbook after textbook on mental health. I benefit most from people who have been in similar situations and hearing how they manage their mental health.

I should be happy but I’m not. I’ve got a lot of things to be happy about. I’ve finally found a fantastic placement working with the most supportive staff and incredible students and if it wasn’t for the placement then I wouldn’t be able to finish my post-graduate course this year and qualify as a teacher.

I have a fantastic friend from university and if wasn’t for all her help this year then I’d probably be having regular breakdowns and I most definitely wouldn’t still be on the course without her. But the thing is with my my life I find it really difficult to push myself I’ve got little self-esteem and always put myself down so when I do eventually push myself it’s a huge achievement yet no matter how hard I try it always feels like I’m going one step forward but two steps back.

I know that the only person who can change my life is me and that pressure resting on my shoulders is overwhelming. Wherever I go, all I see is happiness I’m too busy focusing on everyone else’s happiness resenting them all because they’ve got the one thing I want most in life. I’m pushing everyone away because I’m too afraid of getting hurt.

I need a lot of things but most of all I think the one thing I need most is to start taking risks.