"You've got so much to be happy about"
I've always found it difficult to open up and tell people my thoughts and whenever I have found the courage to do so it hasn't actually helped my mental health, it's made it worse. The reason being very few people understand and 90% of the time they all respond with the class one liner "You've got so much to be live for". It has to be one of the most frustrating lines any of us with mental health have had to hear time and time again.
I truly believe you cannot understand how someone with mental health issues is feeling unless you've got similar experience yourself. Once I went to see a counseller, I was 14 and sitting across me was an elderly gentleman who I just couldn't relate to all. It was like being in the room with your grandad and told to just blurt out all your deep thoughts. I don't want the support from 'professionals' who have read textbook after textbook on mental health. I benefit most from people who have been in similar situations and hearing how they manage their mental health.
I should be happy but I’m not. I’ve got a lot of things to be happy about. I’ve finally found a fantastic placement working with the most supportive staff and incredible students and if it wasn’t for the placement then I wouldn’t be able to finish my post-graduate course this year and qualify as a teacher.
I have a fantastic friend from university and if wasn’t for all her help this year then I’d probably be having regular breakdowns and I most definitely wouldn’t still be on the course without her. But the thing is with my my life I find it really difficult to push myself I’ve got little self-esteem and always put myself down so when I do eventually push myself it’s a huge achievement yet no matter how hard I try it always feels like I’m going one step forward but two steps back.
I know that the only person who can change my life is me and that pressure resting on my shoulders is overwhelming. Wherever I go, all I see is happiness I’m too busy focusing on everyone else’s happiness resenting them all because they’ve got the one thing I want most in life. I’m pushing everyone away because I’m too afraid of getting hurt.
I need a lot of things but most of all I think the one thing I need most is to start taking risks.
I need to be stronger. I need to be daring. I need to be me again.
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