Mr Tom James: love

Well what can I say guys, I have been left feeling scared, I would absolutely love to begin moving on from my last relationship but I am petrified of being hurt again. I'm scared of getting close to someone just have my heart broken once more. Let's face it I'm not getting any younger and it doesn't help that everyone I knew appears to be in happy relationships where they are engaged or have children and here's me 22 and single...AGAIN. I feel as though I've got nothing to offer a girl, I'm so behind in life, I don't drive, work or have my own place.

Following my last relationship, I've struggled to see a future for myself. What hurt most was the fact my ex did not understand my mental health, that isn't her fault, I don't understand it myself so I can't expect others to. But when we split up I noticed quite a few harsh tweets about me and she even called me a psycho, which also broke me. How on earth could someone by to insensitive and mean? In hindsight, it wasn't a bad relationship, it was just difficult as we were both stressed with university workloads but for some reason she would never make time for me. Often I would feel like a part-time boyfriend or like a toy she would just take out the box and throw back in whenever she felt like it. I do however, feel as though I was used and exploited for my generosity, she took advantage of my sensitivity and knew she could play on it to her advantage.

I am no where near ready to face the dating scene again, right now there's a lot of other things I need to be focusing on like graduating university. For the first time in a long time, I'm putting myself first and focusing on my own well-being for once. I'm not one of those that can just dust themselves off and crack on with life, I'm not resilient in the slightest and so I take things to heart easily. So many people are unaware of the damaging and long lasting effects just a few works can cause.

I need something to stimulate me, something that will give me the motivation to at least get out of bed. I do go through some dark periods from time to time where I resort to shutting the world off and not leaving my bedroom for weeks on end. The hardest days for me are the ones where I have no one to talk to. All the friends I do have appear to be busy with their own lives or they are simply fake as I learnt last year at university. The last thing I want is to be burdening anyone and wasting their time.

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For those of you that don't know, my last relationship recently ended. I'm quite positive about it though because I know I wasn't in the wrong, she refused to make time for me and I probably had about 10% of her time if not less. It was time to walk away and say adios to that demoralising relationship.

Date 1

This was the last thing I wanted. I got talking to a girl who lived quite close to me and out of curiosity I wanted to know more about her as I hadn't seen her around were I live. We got talking and soon the discussion moved onto our pasts I told her about my ex and the next thing I know she started making me all these promises of how she wouldn't hurt me. I didn't understand this girl, didn't understand why she would be saying these things when we don't even know each other. I'm not used to girls being really forward and she was, asking for my number and offering me out on a date. I politely declined her offer as I wasn't interested in that what so ever. As soon as I said no, her attitude changed and she was quite annoyed, the next day I felt guilty as she had been quite nice to me and so I offered to go on a date with her. We planned to go into town for a meal, the time came and she was outside waiting for me but as soon as I stepped into her car her attitude changed she was absolutely vile and impossible to please. She barked that she no longer wanted to go to town for a meal and demanded I tell her exactly where I was going to take her. I explained how I didn't know her and so unsure as to where she would like to go. We set off in the car and within a few minutes I had enough of her attitude towards me and demanded she pulled over and let me out the car, I ended up walking home in the rain. I think she is what you would call a 'stinka'.

Date 2

Technically, this wasn't a date. Everything started off perfect I matched with a girl on tinder and surprisingly she live very close so much so she actually lives one street away. Strangely it turns out we both went to the same primary and secondary school yet never bumped into each other before. We had barely spoke but as we had so much in common we planned to go Costa for a coffee. I was incredibly nervous especially when I spotted her waiting for me, she was a 'worldie'. It was only a short walk to Costa but part of me was shaking being in the presence of such a pretty girl. I'm not really a fan of Costa as I struggle in queues with my anxiety and you have to wait ages but I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and persevered. We got talking over a coffee and I had a really nice time it turns out she has a lovely personality and I found her really intriguing hearing about some of her life experiences. I didn't sense many good vibes she's got a bit of a shy personality, to be honest I probably overpowered her with my personality as I'm well known for talking too much.

We began walking home in the rain but I got this feeling she didn't like me at all she was practically running home and couldn't get away from me fast enough and well there wasn't much talking taking place. Until right as she got to her street I turned round and for some reason I stupidly said the most inappropriate thing ever. I have no idea what came over me, it's safe to say I was lucky she didn't give me a slap. I can't explain why I said what I did, it was disgusting and pathetic so much so I couldn't even look at her afterwards cause I was that ashamed of myself. I couldn't even bring myself to say bye to her because I knew I didn't deserve to be anywhere near her or talk to her. I messed up on what could have potentially been a really nice friendship. I am tired of being a fuck up and sick of feeling hurt, all I seem to do is push people away in fear of getting hurt. I did attempt to resolve things and ran round to her house sporting a bouquet of flowers but by then it was late and we haven't spoke since.

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If you've been reading my blog recently then you may have noticed the theme of love is dominating my life. For too long now I have been too busy focusing on what other people have, constantly comparing myself to them. Wondering why have you found love but not me, it's even worse when you compare yourself to people younger than you, it's made me feel like I'm a failure when it comes to love. I like to think of myself as on the love roller coaster, it has its ups and downs mainly downs if I'm honest as I am very difficult to put up with I admit that.

The roller coaster has come to a standstill but it's not all bad let's just say it's stuck at the top in other words I'm on a high but we all know what comes after that a steep and sudden drop to the bottom. I'm really happy right now, I've realised my ex made the best decision not just for herself but for both of us, at first I thought she was being selfish with the classic "It's not you, it's me" line. But I was wrong since splitting up we have both benefited a lot, I finally feel as if I'm heading back to be Tom again, I'm feeling less stress and much calmer.

There's times when I get down and feel lonely and I'm barely leaving the house right now but like I said I'm happy, if I was on a downer and not leaving the house then the alarm bells would be ringing. It's scary it's been a long time since I entered the dating world and now I've found myself talking to girls the same age who have a career; nurses and teachers and there's me the 22 year old lad a few months from graduating no better off than I was before my degree.

The whole dating thing is a little strange thought cause I'm talking to more than one girl which doesn't quite feel right with me but it's just talking I guess. I don't expect to meet anyone anytime soon or for anything to come from these dreaded dating apps but all I do know is, I'm not the only one there's some lovely girls out there and they are more than happy in their life being single and for me that's what I want right now. I'm hoping this will be the last love themed post for a while but who knows, I've got a few dates on the cards so you maybe hearing from me sooner than you think.

I've learnt it's okay to be single, it doesn't matter there's more to happiness than love.

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Ah I did it, god knows why but I did it. I downloaded one of those online dating apps and found myself swiping all over the place at the various faces. Initially, I thought the apps might actually give me a bit of confidence but I was wrong instead I've learnt the majority of girls on their are extremely shallow but then again so am I. I mean I was judging girls too based on their looks, it's difficult we are bought up not to judge people and taught not to in school yet the world is full of judgement, reality TV programmes are based on judging people.

I honestly can't see anything good coming out of them, half the people on there are catfishing, after explicit pictures or actually don't want to date at all. However, I have spoke to a few girls who so far appear lovely but then the doubt kicks in, I wonder why on Earth they would be on this app when they are that beautiful in both appearance and personality. Worryingly, there's worse apps where people can pinpoint exactly where you live and before you know it you can meet someone in minutes. It's a shame it's come to this, technology has taken over our lives, I envy older generations who re-tell their love stories of how they first met in an era where there was no technology and the only way to meet someone was to get yourself out there in the real world. I can't help but feel social networks have been the downfall of many relationships, it's now even easier to cheat on someone and some people are incapable of resisting temptation.

I'm not going to give up hope though because without hope there is nothing. As cliche as it may sound there is someone out their for everyone. It might sound silly to some people, but I'm now at that age where I want to settle down, meet the girl of my dreams, get engaged, have children blah blah blah. I have a lot of envy for the world right now, I despise seeing "parents" being in a position I wish I was in only to neglect their children. I'm finding myself having to resist getting into an argument when I see the way some people speak to their children or seeing them smoke around them.

Will I ever meet the one who's name will be inscribed on a lock ready for the love bridge?

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I thought yesterday was a really good day, I got my second tattoo which was important to me and I was even asked to review something for this blog (what an achievement). Yet, a few minutes ago I got a phone call from my girlfriend ending it. This came as a shock in a way, we have been struggling for a while, I can't blame her because I know I am a lot to blame for a lot of things and incredibly difficult to put up with. I can't say hand on heart I tried my best because I didn't. At first I had reservations about us getting together and I had only recently come out of a long term relationship and wasn't ready for another one, but this was different I knew this girl from university and had feelings for her for a long time.

I was fed that classic lie " I will never hurt you". At the beginning things were good but let's be honest every relationship starts off good. We then faced some difficult situations having to leave a house she was sharing, her losing her job and unsure about returning to university. In a way, it's sort of relief, now she can move on and meet her prince charming. I might have mentioned previously that I have this little thing going on in my head known as depression, but I've got to be strong and look to the future.

I had a feeling my life was finally going to take shape, I'm due to graduate and with this girl I expected to get jobs, support one another and move in together. In a few weeks time I will turn 22 with no car, no own home, no job and now no partner. But only I am in control, only I can change these things in my life. The best thing for me right now is to take some time out and focus on my studies, I know as I type this I'm going to feel isolated and lonely. Recently, I've lost 'friends' for talking about my feelings on here and as for other friends I don't like to talk to them about my problems, why would anyone want to listen or care when they have their own lives to focus on. I hope this break up won't result in me staying in bed endlessly in the dark as I have in the past, positivity is the way forward it's all I have right now.

I was just a frog she kissed on her journey to meet her prince!

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Mr Tom James

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