Mental Breakdown
For a while now I've been extremely happy but the reason behind this happiness was the fact I blocked out all the things which depressed me mainly university. This year at university has been extremely challenging, I would even go as far as to say I was bullied by someone who took it upon themselves to write indirect tweets and status' about me, making a dig at my mental health.
Last Christmas I managed to hand in my the first section of my dissertation and was pleased with my grade. Everything began going downhill and I couldn't cope with all the stress, my mind just hasn't been on university for a long time. My anxiety has been fine and I've made such huge achievements but the second I think of uni I begin to feel sick and panic.
Last week, I burst out crying in the early hours on the morning and had a massive breakdown where my mom found my curled up in a ball on my bedroom floor sobbing my heart out. I cannot cope and I have tried to get help I informed my uni of my mental health and they provided me with an extension on my assignments and I visited my GP but this was an unsuccessful appointment. In relation to my mental health I've had no support. I broke down and told my family I'm quitting uni. It was such as hard decision but I knew I needed to put myself first. The minute it finally sunk in and everyone had accepted I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders you could even say I felt like Mandela on his release from prison.
I booked a meeting with my tutor to explain my health and inform her of my departure. She had no idea of my mental health and began going through my options, the thought of re-sitting the whole of my 3rd year again filled me with dread and I knew it would only make me more anxious joining a new group of students and most likely being the only man in the room, so that option was eliminated immediately. I've lost all my motivation knowing if I do graduate I don't actually qualify as anything meaning in a way I'm no better off than I was before the course. I'm at the stage now where I think working with children is impossible for a man, nursery nursing is incredibly poorly paid and on the wage I will never be able to move out independently.
I cannot thank my personal tutor enough as she has managed to persuade me to stay and finish my year. This is only possible because of the support which is now going to be put into place. I have been referred to the university's mental health nurse and my work load has now become somewhat more manageable. Now my lecturers finally know about my health I hope with their continued support in a few months time to be wearing my cap and gown.
I'm at a crossroads, it's that classic catch 22. I''ve been desperate for the help and now my university and GP have finally stepped up acknowledged my health and taking steps to help. I've been referred to mental health practitioners but because of my university and assignment deadlines I just can't bring myself to commit to appointments. At the minute, I'm keeping slightly positive and optimistic but if I start going to appointments and re-visiting all those negative thoughts and feelings then it's gonna set me back. One step forward and two steps back.
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