Under House Arrest
First of all don’t worry I haven’t broken the law
and been placed under house arrest. It’s my mental health that’s restricting me
to the same four walls 24 hours a day. I’m safe in my room as I don’t have to
see anyone but the thought of going out in public gives me the shakes, the
thought of being around people petrifies me. It’s so difficult to explain, I’m
trapped cause on one hand I’m desperate to get out the house and have some
interaction with the outside world but on the other hand when I do rarely leave
the house I’m desperate to get home cause the social interaction is too much
for me. I can’t look people in the face when I’m talking to them.
I live facing Tesco which is the cause of my
anxiety as when I was 18 I worked there and got held up in an armed robbery and
was diagnosed with PTSD. It’s that bad that I rush to the windows in my house
and count the number of cars on the car park waiting until there’s 3 or less
before I go over. Otherwise, my anxiety kicks in and I know there’s going to be
people in my way in the aisles, must wait in queues and can’t just run in and
run out. As silly as it may sound, the store has now scrapped the 5p bags and
instead use bags for life and the self-serve checkouts weren’t designed for
these bags, so you have to ask one of the staff for a bag and even that fills
me with dread as I’m forced to engage in human contact. This morning when I was
over there I was in the queue waiting to be served and some customer was
fiddling around with bank cards when it came to pay. It was only a matter of
seconds and I found myself huffing and puffing and storming over to the self-serve
checkout. I understand I must look like a complete looney to other people, but
I can’t pause my anxiety, I have no control over it, anxiety is a games
controller and I’m the player on the screen being manipulated pressing certain
buttons making me do this and that.
I’ve lost count the number of times I’ve gone to my
GP seeking Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) only to be told I’ll have to see a
counsellor first who will refer me for CBT. I can’t bring myself to sit there
and tell someone my story again, it feels like it’s all I ever do, and it’s got
me nowhere. I tell myself it’s just a phase and I’ll get over it and things
will get better, I mean things can’t get any worse can they. Nobody understands
how I feel, nobody takes the time to ask how I am and most of all nobody
supports me.
I’ve lay awake at night and planned to take my own
life because nobody understands but even if I did go through with it nobody
will understand why I did it. I feel overlooked all the time, I feel as though
if I had support then things wouldn’t get this bad. I stay in bed all day and
watch the world go by seeing everyone chasing their dreams. I once had dreams
and all my life I’ve wanted better for myself to escape the life my family have
but instead I’ve fallen victim to their life style. I see people going to work,
earning a living, striving for careers and success and here’s me 23 with
nothing and it doesn’t feel like life is going to change any time soon.
Even this week I’ve had nothing but suicidal
thoughts and felt breakdowns coming on and my family don’t care. They can’t see
things from my perspective, they can’t see what they’re doing to me, how their
actions affect me. I can’t rely on anyone, I’m always let down. They think all
this is self-inflicted, if they gave me the support maybe I wouldn’t have
contemplated ending my life the past 72 hours. It’s been that bad, I’ve lost my
temper smashed stuff, slammed doors, screamed and shouted at people because
inside my head just wants to explode. Bridges need support to function and
without that they’ll collapse and that’s exactly what’s happened to me. I’m
isolated and nobody seems to care, no one stops to pop their head around my
door and ask what they can do to help, no one sends a text to ask how I am. All
this just adds to my suicidal thoughts I’m not missed when I’m alive, so I’ll not
be missed if I’m dead. I’m sick of my family throwing my mental health in my
face, being laughed at and told I’m making everything up and that I haven’t
really got depression and anxiety. They do this knowing that my so-called
friends at uni last year did the same and it ended in me breaking down curled
up in a ball at 4am sobbing my heart out.
I’m not an attention seeker, I don’t need much, I
don’t need wrapping up in cotton wool. I just need some reassurance knowing I
can rely on people to talk to and support me but instead the very people who I
should be able to rely on the most are the people who leave me feeling like I
can’t carry on anymore.
0 comments